urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre How will I find my way out? Liberty Liberty 2009-08-16T23:14:53Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:19806 2009-05-02T23:44:15Z 2009-05-02T23:44:15Z "Rearden could not understand his own feeling: it was as if something leaden and empty were collapsing within him, he felt both the weight and the emptiness, together. he knew it was disappointment, but he wondered why it was so gray and ugly." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:19515 2009-03-16T20:47:29Z 2009-03-16T20:47:29Z my life has come full circle and now i'm back where i was a year ago. there are a few things that are different but the basics are the same. i'm living in centralia, i make no money at my job that i'm slowly getting tired of. i started to work for Miriam again and i'm starting to get depressed again. i told myself that i wouldn't let last year happen again, i wouldn't stay if it didn't get better and so i'm waiting to see if this will pass or if i'll be strong enough to break the cycle this year. i feel as if i'm doing it again because i didn't do it right last time, that this is my chance to change something or fix something that i missed last year. the only certainty is that somethings gotta give. i can't do this again urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:19444 2009-01-22T18:35:15Z 2009-01-22T18:35:15Z so i went to the gym today with my mom at the unholy hour of 8:30am and it was a lot of fun and i think i'm going to start going everyday with her. the only problem is that she goes at 6:30am usually and i haven't been up that early since i was in high school. its a good thing though cuz i'm trying to get healthy and all and i really should be going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. also i think i'm going to go to the middle east for a few months. my mom told me i should just go over and work for kbr which is the company she worked for a couple years ago. i'd be working twelve hour shifts seven days a week but i would make $100,000 in a year. i defiantly wouldn't be able to stick it out that long but even if i only work a month i'd make around $6,000 which is more than i make in almost a year here so yeah i'm gunna try it out and work as much as i can. also on the way back i'm gunna stop in europe and travel around for awhile cuz i'll already be on that side of things and i'd have the money and i have a feeling that if i don't go soon i won't have the opportunity for a long time urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:18999 2009-01-22T05:26:18Z 2009-01-22T05:26:18Z what the fuck is wrong with me? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:18813 2009-01-12T19:09:23Z 2009-01-12T19:09:23Z we're like music you and i, like a newly discovered song that becomes the favorite instantly. we spend all our time listening and listening because it's so good and it means so much. we don't know all the lyrics yet but that's part of the mystery, what makes it so exciting. then enough time goes by and we've listened to the song so much we know the lyrics by heart. we figure out that some of the lyrics don't go the way we thought they did and in some cases our version was better. we listen to the song enough that we start to find things we don't like about it. it's still great but not as much so as when we first heard it. we finally decide that it's still one of our favorite songs but the magic is gone, we wish it would return but it never can. we listen to the song now and it's good and makes us happy but there's always this underlying sense of loss for what use to be urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:18506 2009-01-12T00:29:23Z 2009-01-12T00:29:23Z i've figured it out!! this is how it goes, always forever i've wanted to own my own used bookstore, its going to be the best place ever and everyone is going to want to be there all the time and i'll make tons of money. anyway that is the dream. i've been sitting here trying to figure out what i want to go to school for and all and just bumming around and feeling useless. i started thinking about the peace corps a couple weeks ago and i've decided that i'll go to school and learn how to open and run my own small business, then i'll join the peace corps and when i get back i'll open my store! like i've always thought of it as some unattainable dream but today i decided you know what if this is what i want to do then i should at least try my best to make it happen urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:18150 2008-11-16T06:57:37Z 2008-11-16T06:57:37Z i feel so bad saying this because so many people have trouble with the rain but i can't wait for the grey skys and the cold weather and the bundling up and the cuddling up and all the things that come with the winter time. i'm one of those "grass is greener" people and so when it's summer i wish it was winter and when it's winter i wish it was spring and lately i find myself cursing the sun everytime i wake up and see it's bright and cheery. in other news i'm doing so good right now, the depression and resentment is going away and the happiness and love that i use to feel is coming back. there were times i was convinced it couldn't be this way again and i was always so close to giving up but they can be and they are and things are so good. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:17099 2008-08-27T01:04:14Z 2008-08-27T01:04:14Z so here it is. there is this house, i haven't been in it since i was in middle school but from what i can remember it's really cool, also this house is two stories. i could prolly rent this house for way less than i'm paying in rent for a crummy two bedroom apartment in down town centralia. also i would be able to virtually anything i want, i could paint it i could put a garden in it, i could go crazy with it. the draw backs are that it's in chehalis...right next to my parents house...so i don't know what to do, i'm gunna have my mom talk to our friend who own it to see how much he would let me rent it for. i'm kinda really excited urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:16812 2008-08-10T04:02:51Z 2008-08-10T04:02:51Z you know i was going to write a post about how i miss you, about how stupid it is that we fought, about how it's not really even a big deal, about how all i told les was that you said that you had no respect for your mom. i was going to tell you about how i've always stuck up for you, about how i've only ever wanted to help you, to make you happy. i was going to do that but i'm burnt out. i have no energy left to keep trying and trying for your approval. to keep trying to prove to you that i'd always be there for you, about how you're one of my best friends. i'm so tired of taking all of your abuse, i don't even know why you're mad at me half the time and i'm oh so tired of trying to figure it out and then trying to figure out how to fix it. you said you're tired of everyone stepping all over you and you're finally sticking up for yourself and you know what? that's a good idea, i'm gunna do that too. this time you have to make the effort, you have to prove to me that you want to be my friend urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:14512 2008-03-29T21:18:02Z 2009-08-16T23:14:53Z the first time i saw you i didn't like you. i was walking past a shop that i frequent, a place i like to go to relax, a sort of sanctuary if you will. i saw you and you were new, different. i didn't think you belonged there, i spoke to the shop keep about you and he assured me you were good, to give you a chance. as the weeks went by i didn't really give you another thought until one of the boys who worked there made you say hi. after that we started talking off and on. it got to the point where i started to look forward to seeing you. i would spend hours in the shop when i had other things to do just to be in your presence. i told myself that you were just a friend, that i had no feelings beyond that and i think i convinced myself in the beginning. i remember the first night you kissed me, it was soft and awkward and so totally new and exciting. i knew you were going to do it before you did and i had a debate with myself if i should let you or not. after that we were always together, more so than before. i wondered where this would lead, how long it would last, if it was as real to you as it was to me. i can remember the day i realized i was falling in love with you. i debated telling you for weeks but i couldn't get up the courage. one day i felt that i needed to tell you and you saw that something was on my mind, you asked me about it and i said i couldn't tell you yet. you told me i shouldn't be afraid, that i should tell you, so i did. i was all quiet and i'm sure that it was more of a whisper than anything but i said it. my heart was pounding, you were quiet for a few seconds until you grabbed me close and told me that you loved me so much. my heart was so full that it felt like my chest couldn't contain it. and now i lay in your arms every night and i wake up to you every morning and it's perfect urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:14114 2008-03-18T07:35:45Z 2008-03-18T07:35:45Z fuck, why does this still upset me so much? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:13689 2007-09-22T06:47:06Z 2007-09-22T06:47:06Z seaside - the kooks wow i feel like such a horrible person cuz i haven't written anything in so long. it's ironic how really the last posts that i wrote were all about how i can't wait for spring and summer and how work is hell and it's so ironic because we never really had much of a summer and i just want the pretenses to be over and to just have a season that i can count on, how the rain can come and wash everything away and how i can finally wear warm clothes and drink cocoa and finally listen to my winter music. work isn't really that bad right now, i finally can stand my boss and even like her on occasion and really life is really good...i'm still always tired and who knows how i'll feel when school's here but i think it'll be ok.. i dunno, i always say that though... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:13089 2007-05-25T07:45:32Z 2007-05-25T07:45:32Z and here i am pretty content with life...oh well, that's the way of it urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:12827 2007-05-19T09:07:39Z 2007-05-19T09:07:39Z so this is how it went down...today i had an appointment with my adviser, he told me that i only have 18 credits till i get my degree...sweet, i can get that done in one quarter if i want to work really hard, i can do that. so ok i have fall to do it...i can move in with les before christmas...i call les, she tells me her lease gets up in october so really she doesn't know what to do, she may just move in with my aunt...crap, oh well we'll see...wait, kari says she's doing summer quarter, i should do that too...i call kari and she tells me when summer quarter starts, june 25...sweet, i call les again and tell her that i'll be able to move in with her by september...she says that will work and that maybe she'll have to re-think what she's going to do with her living situation...i get to hollywood, all my plans are set, i'll pick up and move to seattle in september, i don't know what i'll do for a job, i don't even know if i'll even be able to stay there for longer for a month but i know this is what i need to do...i call tes to tell her i have her keys and that she should stop by, i also tell her my plan, she's happy 'bout all of it but my plans to move, "why do you need to go?"...crap...jenn stops by a little later, she comes to get a movie and i tell her my plan, she's extatic till she hears the news i'm going to be moving, she starts to cry...the next few months are going to be interesting...the only people that i would stay for would be jenn and tes...we'll see what happens with seattle but for sure i'm going to finish my degree over the summer...i really think i do need to move to seattle just for the experiance, i know i'll come back, it's in my bones...there's something about the place where you grew up, for me it's comforting...as long as i'm able to get out and see the world i would be perfectly content to live out my days on a five acre plot of land somewhere between chehalis and adna urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:12548 2007-03-17T09:43:58Z 2007-03-17T09:47:13Z the dream of evan and chan - ben gibbard i don't think i'll ever be able to tell you how much i care for you...i don't think that i will be able to find the words to tell you how much i hurt today...i don't think i'll be able to tell you that after i hung up the phone i sat in my car and cried...and cried...and called my boss to tell her i'd be ten minuets late coming back from lunch...and cried more...how when i had composed myself enough to go back and explain why my eyes were red and my face splotchy i cried more....how i was twenty minuets late clocking on from lunch...how my head hurt all night and my heart worse...how i am going to cry myself to sleep tonight and probably the nights after this for a good while because while i was slowly getting use to losing you in a few months i wasn't ready for you to leave this soon... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:12444 2007-03-13T04:33:15Z 2007-03-13T04:33:15Z i don't know why i keep doing this. i don't know why i can't just walk away. you're like a drug, you completely intoxicate me whenever you're around. you're my addiction. every time i think i'm over you it comes back full force. i can only take solace in the fact that it's not so bad when you're not around. when i don't see you i can almost pretend that i don't have any more feelings for you. when we are together though it's so hard. i just keep reminding myself that we're only friends. that it will never be anything more, that i should stop wasting my time, that i should stop thinking that maybe things will change. when you leave will it be enough to break the habit? will two years erase this feeling? will i spend all my time in AA meetings? hi my name is joe and i've been clean for five weeks, hi my name is sarah and i haven't used for a year and thirteen days. hi my name is liberty and after two years things haven't changed...i'm an addict, i'll always be an addict, you never stop being an addict, you only fool yourself into thinking you have urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:12134 2007-03-03T10:24:34Z 2007-03-03T10:25:22Z into the fold - cursive i have come to realize that everyone needs a hero. someone that they can look at and say "hey they are so amazing i wish i could be like that". even our hero's have hero's and i don't think that i fully understood that until today. we all put our hero's on a pedestal, we don't see their faults because in our mind they don't have any. we do everything we can to be near them. eventually we realize that they're just like us. they're not any better or worse than we are. sure they have their faults and we have ours, no one is the same. it's sad when you realize this about your hero because then you start to look at them different, you start to treat them different. maybe you see them as equals or maybe even inferiors. you start to pull away from your hero because you can't take the disappointment. what is the solution? do we just not get close to those we admire? do we worship them from afar? or maybe we should just not expect anything more than ordinary urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:11896 2007-02-27T09:55:28Z 2007-02-27T09:55:28Z so this is how it goes. i have come to hate the place i work. i want to quit soo much but how will i pay for school if i quit? what i really want to do is work for christina, i don't even care, i will drive to oly six days a week if i have to and close every night if it means that i will get away from kat. so i was talking to christina and i told her about my having to work on sunday and she got pissed. really i mean she was more upset than i was and that is saying something. so she's decided that i need to file a complaint with human resources and i think thats what i'm going to do. not that i care so much about working one sunday cuz hey you do what you have to do but really cuz i want to cause some kind of event that might change how things are going urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:11678 2007-02-27T00:05:08Z 2007-02-27T00:05:08Z you really don't know how the little things effect your day. how a random decision will change everything. how a song that you haven't listened to in forever will take you back. today was one of those days. made up of a series of decisions that make me feel ok about today, about going to work, about the way the last few months have been and how i know that now things need to change. we don't realize how much the little things really effect us. on saturday i was late for work so i jumped in my van. i was about to take off when i realized that geff was still asleep in the back. i screamed at him to get out. there wasn't time to take his sleeping bag out of the van and over the next few days it was just left there, waiting for today. after my morning class i was so tired that i climbed into geffs sleeping bag and took a nap until my next class. later on my way home i put my ipod on shuffle. the first song that came on was police & thieves. all of a sudden i thought back to last year, to constant music ranging from soundtracks to obscure local bands. of camping out in a 15 passenger van, eating mre's and trying to fend off my little brother. it's the little things that give us the energy to face the rest, that gives us hope for a better future. that tells us that this seemingly endless winter will be over soon and spring will be here. reviving the world as well as our souls urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:11501 2007-02-26T08:14:28Z 2007-02-26T08:14:28Z so it's official, hollywood owns my soul. today was sunday, everyone knows that on sunday i don't work, there's a bunch of reasons why but everyone, EVERYONE, who works at hollywood called out sick so me and jenn (who also by the way doesn't usually work on sunday) had to close and it sucked really bad cuz i was planning on visiting kels while she was in town and everything. ah! i'm so pissed at hollywood right now...i just realized that this whole entry was written on auto-pilot...i just kinda sat down and was thinking of other things and here's this entry...weird... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:11232 2007-02-25T09:32:48Z 2007-02-25T09:34:09Z finally! i finally cut my hair off and i love it! really i can't stop running my fingers through my hair, it's beautiful! so now i'm uber excited and i am now working less nights and more mids and life is so good right now. i spent today finally knowing what it's like not to be tired. i got a full 11 hours of sleep and i finally caught up. it's a wonderful feeling. incidentally wait by death cab is my new favorite song, that's incentive is really good too. i've finally listened to you can play these songs with cords urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:10790 2007-02-22T08:03:36Z 2007-02-22T08:03:36Z no, not now - hot hot heat so today was pretty much fabulous. after anthro linz and i went to boccata and we talked for an hour and a half and just drank cocoa and ate cheese. we've also decided to start going to FHE in oly every monday, i'm going to have to talk to kat about making my schedule work but i think it'll be ok. i also got a bracelet from jared. i wanted my purple one back cuz i lent it to him ages ago and i've really been missing it. he gave me a different purple one though to hold me over. it doesn't have the memories but it'll do till i get mine. also the weather was amazing. today i was finally able to roll my window down while i was driving. i had no idea how much i missed that. today was just really really good. i think i'm starting to balance out. this winter was just crazy and i wasn't in the right place and i think i'm on my way urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:10454 2007-02-17T10:06:52Z 2007-02-17T10:06:52Z so i survived my first close. it was pretty intense. it was a friday so we had a lot of people come in. we were doing projects for the first couple of hours. i was working with only new people. we had no candy and i had a lot of movies and candy (none of which was what i needed) to receive. i also didn't know how to do half of them. but i survived. granted i forgot my coat, rentals, and my wallet in the store. oh and i forgot the garbage and the cardboard too. but heck i think it was pretty good despite everything. i'm pretty happy with myself right now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:10208 2007-02-16T09:42:29Z 2007-02-16T09:42:29Z i don't understand it. i can't sleep. or more correctly i can't get myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour. every day i wake up unbearably tired. i tell myself that i need to go to bed earlier but it never happens. i'm a zombie. i can hardly function. i'm starting to lose my patience. i don't know what to do. i just want to sleep. and sleep. and sleep. it never happens urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:folatre:9971 2007-02-14T01:54:00Z 2007-02-14T01:54:00Z today i got the first sense of spring. all day i was listening to smashing pumpkins and postal service with the sun just breaking through the clouds. i had just finished my last class and i walked outside and i was hit with the most overwhelming smell of blossoms. i looked at all the bushes and there were no blooms but the smell was still there. as i walked to my car the smell of flowers slowly faded to rain and dirt and exhaust. i can't wait for spring. it promises a fresh start, a new beginning